Field Mission 3: Brushing the Sun, Part 2

[balancemod]

I couldn't be more proud of you all. NAVIGATION 1. THE UNRAVELING (CTA RESULTS) A. EVERYONE GET THE HELL OFF THIS CRAZY THING With the Bureau quickly packing up and getting the hell out of dodge, four Reclaimers — Kaede, Komaeda, Minato and Lion — made an honest attempt to evacuate the dwarves and goblins still on board. They were mildly successful in drawing half of all the goblins into their fold, but the dwarves were much more resistant. Ultimately, only five agreed to leave behind their precious forge. Bread and Barry were also handily convinced that it was time to leave. Their chosen method here included a lot of falling with style. With a little help from Lion, a breeze is whipped up to give the trip down a bit more wind resistance. Even though they didn't convince as many as they would like to leave, this is still a very large logistical effort — you may help pass out treats to help evacuees float down. You may wrangle up any stragglers that wander too far away from the group. Ultimately though, everyone who agreed to evacuate, as well as the Reclaimers who are helping, will be able to safely make it to the ground. Except for one. Upon ensuring that Good Girl Cocoa makes it down safe, Minato will find that there are no more magic treats to help him safely evacuate, too. And when Maru perishes, so does he. Additionally, Barry does go down with the evacuation group, but by the time Maru crashes to the ground, he's no where to be found, and presumed dead. This also means that very nearly every dwarf and goblin who refused to evacuate also perished. B. A CHAT WITH A TIRED SPIRIT, AND AN UNRAVELING Akira, Zelda, Maya and Sayori are assigned to try to take on the Whomping Willow so they can reach the forge it's guarding. With an insanely good hit from one of Zelda's Light Arrows, the tree is stunned — and with the unfortunate curse of sentience that drives it, it is humbled by the raw power, and elects to speak to the group. The Whomping Willow is several thousand years old, and so, so tired of this enchantment. After revealing the wisdom of the Beastmaster class, Maya is able to disenchant it, effectively reducing it to a simple willow tree once again — and with the help of a few Persona users, they are able to successfully transplant it to a small alcove in the Quad of the Moon Base. What does this mean for Reclaimers? Well, you now have some very comfortable shade to relax under. You have a monument to your successes. If you happen to know a druid with Speak with Plants, it'll also dispense some of the wisdom it's accumulated over the millennia in the form of advice. Meanwhile, Sans and McCree, with an easy entrance to the forge, make quick work of unraveling the yarn, setting the dwarves trapped there free, and successfully convincing them to leave the forge behind for their own safety. And as they continue to make this mission look outrageously easy, they manage to unravel the yarn without causing damage to themselves and the forge. It's done so well, in fact, that the falling apart of Maru is less of an explosion, and more of a controlled, structured demolition. It's actually quite a spectacular sight, for those of you on the ground to witness it. Like a ship slowly descending to the earth and breaking apart some 100 feet above it, it feels as if the entire planet shakes upon impact. Debris is sent flying in all directions — later reports that make it to the Director's desk indicate that mining equipment was found some 20 miles away from the impact site. Unfortunately, another Reclaimer is lost in the unraveling of Maru. McCree perishes while trying to escape — but he dies a hero. C. ON THE GROUND Two teams — Franziska and Wash, and Akechi and Ryuji — are sent out to try to locate the yarn and, being as buff as they are, try to clear out as many surviving monsters as they can. Along the way, Akechi manages to steal a priceless weapon off of Hethi, the guardian spirit of the paper mountain that once stood on Maru. Also along the way, Akechi says some really cute social link rank-up shit to Ryuji, which in turn causes his Persona to turn into a bear. Later on, Franziska manages to convince Hethi to move to the Netheril, effectively becoming Vista Virs' new guardian. She's so convincing, in fact, that Hethi sees this as a divine intervention, and Wash and Franziska are both incorporated into the mysterious guardian's origin fable as divine advisers. Both groups also find survivors of the fall, and safely evacuate them to Phandalin. While Ryuji and Akechi manage to blast through entire hordes of monsters with little injury, Wash and Franziska are not quite so lucky. Nobody perishes, but the both of them will probably need some assistance. Finally, with the help of Cocoa and her nose, Akechi and Ryuji are able to locate the yarn, and a recovery team from the Bureau retrieves and delivers it straight to the Director's hands. Congratulations, Reclaimers. Your third mission was a smashing success. 2. THE BEFOREMATH AND THE AFTERMATH D. EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART You're only as good as your backup, as they say. And the Reclaimers who are not currently attempting to fetch a wayward overpowered ball of yarn are going to have a lot on their plates, before Maru comes crashing down in spectacular fashion. That plate does not include Maru itself. Every hour that passes that you do not escape on your own, the ground's stability grows more precarious. You can feel it shifting underneath your feet, like it's straining, trying to contract into itself. In the distance, an ominous rumbling. The land is literally cracking apart, and you do not want to be on board when it finally tumbles down to the ground. ○ Convincing those who could be convinced to evacuate was no easy feat, but for those of you on board with immediately helping, there's a shortage of hands on deck to move people as quickly as possible. ○ Much like how the wildlife scatters for cover when a thunderstorm hits, the fauna of Maru are aware that a disaster is looming. To that end, nearly every single creature that has settled inside the mines have started pouring out into the open, making an already unstable ground a little ... crowded. Bring your best weapon and your best spells to this fight — you're going to need both. E. THAT'S UNFORTUNATE Once you're on the ground, if you choose to dig among the rubble yourself, you may find any last resources that the impact site may have slapped to the surface. They're very small, but gems and diamonds are your highest prize here. The forge, however, was destroyed on impact, shooting a massive burst of magical energy straight into the sky, before it dissipates. Should you happen to find yourself anywhere near the remains of the forge, however, one of the following may happen: ○ You will be turned into an animal of your choosing for two hours. ○ Any remains nearby may suddenly be reanimated, again, for two hours, until the magical energy disappears. Enjoy your goblin zombie apocalypse. ○ A curse might follow you home — think things like tripping over your feet constantly, or not being able to sleep properly, or hell, accidentally passing along the curse to anyone you touch. Dr. Tank back at medbay on the Moon Base can remove this one for you. F. THE TOWN OF PHANDALIN The aftermath of Maru's collapse can be viewed from Phandalin, a nearby prospecting town that is now host to a host of floating island evacuees. Well, a whole lot of dust can be viewed, anyway. For those of you who arrived here with said evacuees, or simply evacuated here yourself, consider yourselves put on something of a mandatory two-day vacation. The orbs back to the Moon Base just can't seem to get past the dust choking the air directly above the town. Phandalin is on the small side, and inhabited mostly by prospectors looking for valuable resources deep within the nearby mountains. To say that this is the biggest influx of visitors they've ever had is an unfathomable understatement — and while they are hardly a settlement built for tourism, they're more than willing to take your coin. Or any remnants of Maru you happen to have on hand. Now is your time to rest. Gather your bearings. Or, work more, if that's more your speed. ○ A small group of dwarves need to figure out where to go next, after all. Will you help them find a place to stay in town? Or will you help gear them up so they can set out on their own, once the dust (literally) settles? The blacksmith in town can't make anything new on such short notice — but he does have plenty of tools and weapons for sale. ○ Should you make your way to Stonehill Inn to escape the dust, you may find a Kenku in a corner, ignored by the other patrons as much as he's minding his own business, mug at the table in front of him. And should you decide to engage with him, he'll lean forward, closer, voice so husky it could pull a sled. "Oi, you're one of those visitors, ain't ya? You know what happened. With all the dust." There isn't a particularly discernible tone or expression here. If anything, he sounds on the brink of a personal revelation. "You've seen it then, right? My house. Where the hell's all my stuff?" (Some of you already know who this is — it's Jingler, the owner of the shack on Maru that is now part of a heap of sod and brand new landscape not too far from Phandalin. He is a completely pilotable NPC, meaning you are free to use him how you like for your threads. All you need to know is, he's a bard, that shack held all of his most valuable treasures, and Garfield owes him a lot of money. He won't say for what, though.) ○ Finally, not too far from the town square stands a fortune telling machine. It goes largely ignored by the regulars passing by, and if you happen to ask, it's because of one of the following reasons: It's a waste of money to begin with, or it's a waste of money because it keeps spitting out the same fortune. Pop a single gold coin in the machine, and it'll print out your fortune. It's true that it seems to be running on repeat, though, because you're guaranteed to get one of the following two fortunes: Disaster has invited itself to your doorstep. Or, Mild fortune bears down on you like the sun. Another thing that's guaranteed: Whatever fortune you receive will have to manifest in some form. That's rather unfortunate for the ... more unfortunate ones. G. A REPRIEVE IN THE ORCHARDS An old half-elf by the name of Daran Edermath tends to an orchard just on the edge of town. It's a bit of a locally hidden gem for Phandalin- the old, retired adventurer turned vintner keeps the trees well nourished and tended to all year long. It's spring time here in Faerun, and naturally, there should the crowns of budding apple blossoms coming up and ready to take shape. But wandering in here, you'll notice that they've developed into beautiful looking, ripe apples. Daran is one of the oldest living people in Phandalin and while he hasn't been around long enough to know what happened to the Lost Mine of Phandelver, he does seem to wear a sort of smile when he hears about it. See, in his youth, he snuck down there with only an apple for rations to his name. He doesn't know how he stumbled upon it, or even how he really made it past the monstrosities that lie in there. But Edermath farms remembers. Those apples that are perfectly colored and perfectly ready to eat? They're all the result of that one apple he dipped into the forge. Must be about 100 years ago. The sweet scent of cider, sauces, and butters fills the air in almost every direction. It's a time to relax and enjoy the days before returning to base, and he's more than willing to trade a few silver pieces for a bucket of the stuff. For those of you with a little more adventurous taste buds, Daran offers you to try an apple from a tree that grows many different colored fruits. He'll explain that there's a little bit of magic in those too, but nothing that'll hurt you. Give it a try, see what happens! These will last up to 24 hours. ○ Red - your senses elevate far beyond what a normal human should be able to accomplish. You can hear, see, smell, and touch better than you ever have before. Take a walk out into Phandalin after the dust settles. The color and the scent of the flowers should be amazing. ○ Green - you become incredibly pensive, seeing insightful things about your life that you haven't noticed before. You recall past events with a crystal clear level of understanding, to the level of being able to close your eyes and remember details that are minute- like the sound in a memory you forgot, or the way the breeze felt on a particular day. ○ Yellow - you feel lethargic. Enough to probably take a nap wherever you're currently standing. It's not a bad thing, but if you've been feeling really stressed lately or pushed yourself in battle quite a bit, waking up is going to feel about as refreshing as humanly possible. ○ Blue - you become incredibly confident with yourself. Things that might have scared you to say or do in the past feel like small anthills compared to the mountains they once were. You speak your truth when you want to, you fear nothing and become closer to your true self. ○ Pink - you're hit with a wave of affection. You're all about hugs and hand-holding and being close to people you care about. It provides a sort of blissful state that makes you want to be around other people. Eventually, though, the dust will clear, and with the jutted earth and remains of Maru in the horizon, you'll board the orbs and return to the Moon Base. Because a true rest after this mission is waiting you back home. You could say it's going to be quite the retreat. 2. OOC NOTE Congratulations on successfully reclaiming the third Grand Relic! We hope you enjoyed exploring, and ultimately unraveling, Maru. For people new to the game, you may notice that there isn't an RNG thread. CTA logs generally do not have one, just to give us mods a bit more time to work on the interlude, and the next field mission. You can check out our calendar to see what's coming up next! The TDM will be posted Monday, April 29. Reserves open Wednesday, May 2 and applications open Saturday, May 5. blurb code by photosynthesis

Comments

[alethiological]

[ It probably says something for Shinjiro's insult where there's no attempt at correcting him. He just gets a barely audible sigh and eyes rolling for his efforts. ] That's why I said 'next time'. Don't just take advantage of his kindness.

[ Kids these days. It's the only lecture he receives, and it's all he figured was worth saying, but then Shinjiro continues.

And continues.

And continues.

And Shinjiro gets to watch as he's dismissed like dust, then reappearing back into conscious thought; first tolerant, then surprised, but by the end sliding into something close to shock. Or absolute horror. Maybe both. Were the narrative to pin a good, emotionally gripping set of words to it, it would like to divert all attention to this piece of literature. Surely, it will help you put to mind the exact level of trauma we're dealing with here. This is not mere words, Shinjiro spouts. This is Worse.

This is Genuine Heartfelt Intent.





Oh God, wherever thou may be, what the hell does he do about this- ]

Your sentiments are appreciated. [ oh no oh no oh no this going to get worse, he knows it's going to get worse, but an attempt still has to be made- ] You should put down the apple, Aragaki.

[petsthedog]

[It's too late, Will. The magic has already set in, which means Will's vaguely distraught expression does not register as something to be embarrassed about. He doesn't do what he normally might and clamp right down on all that, furiously pretend it's not a big deal that he said it and just try to exit ASAP is currently on vacation. He even takes another bite as he asks--]

Why? It's tasty.

[In fact, the more horrified Will's expression gets, the more bemused Shinjiro seems to be, until at one point--he actually laughs? Not unkindly, either, and it's surprisingly a pleasant sort of sound, albeit a little hoarse, as though he's not used to his throat doing that.]

--Geez, what the hell's with your face, anyway? You keep lookin' like you just swallowed a wholeass bug.

[alethiological]

[ Yeah. That's laughter. Okay, awesome, the teenager is drugged and with how his luck has been lately, everyone will blame him for it. This is going to go excellently when it wears off. If it wears off- No, when, the elf wouldn't be alive if it was an If. There's no need to get invested- he's not invested- no, he is, because Shinjiro said he's making a face.

The expression immediately dies, shut off as fast as a light switch in the perfect example of someone immediately removing themselves from a situation. Leaving is a good idea.

...But that means leaving Shinjiro around to gush his feelings out to the first person he comes across. Shinjiro, a person so filled with guilt and distress over his actions that even talking about them is reason enough to hate himself further. Going around singing his soul to world.



The metal arm grips onto one shoulder, unbreaking, and the small child is dragged along. ] Stop running your mouth off and get moving.

[petsthedog]

Haaaah?

[It's a sort of fuzzily-made noise, with all the air of oh ok this is happening now, he guesses. Where are you taking him, Will? Notably, he does not resist getting dragged around. Almost like he trusts the other man to have his back and not hurt him or something...! Wow, how weird.

He's still chewing on that apple, though, and after a few moments of being dragged he just sort of leans in toward where the metal arm meets shoulder. For once the dog metaphor isn't quite as appropriate because it's rather more like a cat, taking that moment of invitation to slink in closer.]

Where're we goin', huh....do you wanna eat together or somethin'? Aki and me would always meet up by this one ramen place, I forget which of us started the trend. I always acted like it pissed me off when he came, and it kinda did? But it was nice, too. You remind me of him, kinda. Especially when you're being an asshole. I--

[It's almost as though his rational brain wakes up a little at the mention of Aki, because his brows furrow deeper and he stops, before taking a bite of apple to give himself space from the topic. Obviously, this does not go as well as he would've wanted.]

I don't think I ever really thought about that before, you and Aki. But it fits, actually. Maybe that's why you piss me off and worry me so much. But it's--you ain't gonna make that face, y'know? The one everyone makes. Kinda feel like I can breathe, cause it's like, you got my back but you ain't gonna throw me a goddamn funeral. Wait, shit, you hate it when I say that. You're fuckin' weird, y'know.

[At this point, Will gets a brief reprieve, finally, because he gets back to chewing on bites of apple.]

Ugh, this apple is so good. Why doesn't everyone eat more apples? Ain't there some Western sayin' about that...? People should listen to it.

[alethiological]

[ Why is he leaning closer. At this rate, he's going to devolve into blatant physical contact. Maybe even jovial camaraderie of arms draped on shoulders. At least it won't be hugs, but still - the risk is too great. Best to drop him off with Ar- wait, Lion confirmed that Arisato died, shit. Lion and Maya are dealing with their own issues. Qrow's probably halfway to blackout by now what with all the corpses. Who else would be a responsible human to foist a teenager on? ]

What is it with you and food. Keep your fretting localized to Arisato. [ Because it's true. The level of attachment Shinjiro's flouting is for friends. Close confidants. Other humans. Not near-strangers, ones that shouldn't be around mortals in the first place. At least not anywhere near this long. Seven hells, he was the repentance division, not... Not this.

Not Guardian duty. Ugh. This is the worst timeline-

And Shinjiro said the magic word that drags someone out of their own thoughts into sheer autopilot. The snap is an offhanded ] Don't take His name in vain. [ Followed by the split second of mental 'shit'-based silence, then the afterthought. ] And stop swearing so much in general!

[ Ah, hell. That's gonna lead into a terrible topic. He doesn't want to. Lion and Maya and Akechi are already three people too many. And spiraling into conversations about contemporary western civilization's culture over apples of all things is an even worse topic. So. Fine. Shinjiro's feelings it is. Just treat it like work. ] Listen. I wouldn't throw anyone a funeral. Especially not you. ...But try not blame others for the face. You're a very empathetic race, but you all tend to confuse it with pity. Everyone thinking what works for them works for everyone else, when you're all unique souls. Each person needs a different method to help them cope with their grief, whatever reason they may be grieving for.

No idea who this Aki of yours is, but he must care for you deeply. You're lucky to have a friend like him.

[ The use of present tense is an odd choice. Works well for an odd answer. ]

cw for reference to suicidal ideation

[petsthedog]

[Oh Will, have more of a sense of self-preservation. The further this goes, the more awkwardly personal and emotional it's going to get and then both of you will remember it, forever. As it is, he's already nudging Will's ribs with an elbow at that first quip.]

What? People hang out over food, it's a whole thing. A human thing, I guess. We're hangin' out, ain't we? ...Arisato's dead, anyway.

[That's the first thing that seems to properly affect this pleasant mood of Shinjiro's; he looks sad for a minute, gaze dropping to the ground as his shoulders hunch inward in a more typical defensiveness.]

Feel kinda shitty about that. He ain't the one it's supposed to happen to, and I wasn't even there. Maybe I coulda caught him, like that time with Lion.

[Somewhat idly, he takes another bite of the apple. Eating your feelings is a valid approach, right. Even when it magically results in more feelings.]

Anyway, it ain't that I blame 'em. It's just--a lot of pressure. They all want me to be happy so bad, and I can't tell 'em how I'm still strugglin' just to get through the day.

[Turns out magical apples can't actually cure depression. What a tweest.]

The more I give a shit about these people, the more I don't wanna hurt 'em. But that ain't made me wanna be here any more, y'know? Which just kind of sucks. I still get this itchy feelin' like I oughta do somethin', get out before it'd be real bad, but I dunno what to do. It freaks me out. But it's different with you, and that sounds like a low-key diss but it ain't. I dunno how to explain it, either.

[The comment about how lucky he is (was) for his friendship with Aki goes ignored; that's a wound that's too raw to dig his fingers into, even with this urge that keeps bubbling in the pit of his stomach to keep on talking. The issue's mentally backed away from before he even consciously thinks about it.

He's still going to regret so much of this later, though, when he's back in a state of mind that realizes that Will is going to have all this recorded in his memory permanently to potentially quote back to him at any time. . . .press f for this poor boy's dignity.]

[alethiological]

[ See, it's already beginning to happen. The elbow jab gets past with only a momentary mental skip. He's drugged, it's fine, with any luck he'll forget. The rest of the commentary goes past. 'We're hanging out', no, they're two bodies occupying the same space, hanging out implies sharing a friendship of sorts. There's nothing like that there. 'Arisato's dead', well at least he knows about it, small positives. 'Like that time with Lion', sadly unsurprising, one mor

Not now. Not the place. That section is crossed out, a sharp black line through faded letters, and the conversation moves on. ]

He'll revive within a week, assuming someone retrieved his body.

[ And the words keep coming, even more genuine than before. It's like watching someone rip their heart out and lay it flat in red text. Same as always. Except not, because there's no divine power backing it anymore. And if it's not God's Grace, then that means it was actual attachment. They're words fueled by an apple and how Shinjiro actually feels. The narration is right: it's all recorded, permanently; able to be recalled at any point when necessary. It's a confession, after all.

And it is closed up as carefully as possible, fragile as glass, and buried away forever. ]

I don't force you to stay.

[ 'To stay where?' But there is no Where. Tt's easy enough for Shinjiro to think back on all those other friends he's made, talking about how life is important and trying to cheer him up. Trying to motivate him into not surrendering, to get past that depression, whoo! And surely they're helping, positive support is a good thing, but they're chains. Words and hopes that tie someone to the world, if only out of fear of letting them down. It's tiring. And Heaven forbid you ever try to tell someone that. That's what gets you The Face.

Either way, it's a digression, and Shinjiro needs to stop running his mouth off before he actually does kill himself later. Out of pure embarrassment. He probably won't listen, but an attempt should be made nonetheless. ] Seriously, pick a new subject. At this rate you'll throw yourself off the moon.

[petsthedog]

Gross, no. Someone'd have to bring that mess back up there.

[He never did want to leave a mess behind; it's why the suppressants had been such an elegant solution--put an end to the immediate risk posed by his existence, and slowly fade away over time. It's an oddly morbid thing to say in response to what is, ostensibly, a joke, but he can do that with Will, too, in a way he'd never be willing to with Akamatsu or Fey.]

Anyway, I don't care if I regret it.

[He very much will, later. Right now the magic flowing through him craves the intimacy he's been denying himself for years, the honesty he can never bring himself to because it's safer and better for everyone to hold yourself apart.]

I'm tired of actin' all tough, like I don't give a shit. I give a lot of shits! About you and everybody, and I keep on tryin' to run away from it but it's stupid, right? Hell, I couldn't even tell you when I got my feelings hurt! 'Cause you didn't wanna talk about your shit! How stupid is that? I'm a fuckin' stupid idiot hypocrite.

[alethiological]

[ The first part earns an immediate- ] I've cleaned up worse. Just need an asphalt scraper.

[ Thus immediately proving that yes, Shinjiro's narrative is correct and he's still free to make really tactless suicide jokes around Will.

It's also the last he gets, because for one long moment, even Shinjiro can pick up that he edged too close somehow. Brushing up against something that makes the expression drop from someone flustered to Absolutely Nothing. Why is it samedog? He's being attacked right now and the attacker doesn't even know what he's doing. This is the worst - because he Gets It. But saying that is unacceptable. But ignoring Shinjiro's despair is unacceptable. But there's no way to answer it as someone separate, because the answer can be thrown in his face later as hypocrisy. But there's no way to answer it as someone sympathetic, because that indicates a level of attachment and bias that destroys neutrality. The thoughts run in constant argument with each other, logic versus emotion, and on both sides there's a brief wish for the old days. Everything was sorted into binary, white and black, right and wrong, and that would be the end of it. Simple.

Logically, this would mean all aspects of a conversation should be measured, the proper answer to a question considered - is this correct? Will the person hear it as it was meant? How many questions or digging into his business should be expected afterward? What level of attachment will need to be severed afterward to maintain professional distance?

Instead, the entire problem is sidestepped, and the answer is in the pure absent-minded certainty of an idiot just running their mouth off. ]

Because you are a fuckin' stupid idiot hypocrite. Tell people you care about them. Let them care about you in return. An' the next time you get your feelings hurt or whatever just say something. You think people are mind readers? Or is it the whole 'boo hoo, I sinned once, let me stew in my guilt forever as repentance' thing? Hell, you're acting like you're Furniture or something. It's ridiculous. You don't have to change overnight, but maybe you'll get better results if you stop being an ass and quit the shovin' people away act.

[petsthedog]

[The beauty of this callout is that in his drugged and emotionally honest state, Shinjiro knows Will's right. (Well, maybe less so on the repentance part, there's only so much magical happyjuice can do for you, but still) He does not know enough to realize Will is calling himself out, too, but he can see the truth in the other man's words. Still, it's that sort of situation when you know someone's right, but in a way that doesn't feel like you can apply it to yourself. Like when you make a New Year's resolution to exercise more and get in shape but then a week later you decide you actually can't be fucked and you're eating cheesecake in your workout clothes because you tried and therefore nobody can criticize you.]

I mean, I want to! [A beat.] Well, sort of. I want to and don't want to? It scares the shit outta me, really. Like, what the hell am I even thinkin' talkin' to these people and spendin' time with 'em just cause they ask and checkin' up to make sure they're okay? Tryin' to help when shit goes wrong? I oughta know better. Shit, I left my old team for two years to keep this from happening.

[He fusses with his beanie in vague agitation. He feels this continuing urge for emotional honesty, for the closeness that comes of being able to be vulnerable with someone, but he struggles with the words because it's all a tangle of depression and guilt and tough-guy bullshit that he's never before even tried to untangle, letting it sit in a giant gnarled knot on his chest and weigh him down because he was too tired to start frogging, as it were.]

I dunno. I care about all of them, but that's why I shouldn't keep lettin' this happen. It's wrong, ain't it? Someday it's just gonna hurt. I ain't gonna bring anythin' good into their lives, so it's just selfish.

[alethiological]

[ That is a wonderful metaphor. This narrative is gonna run with it. See, everyone has The One Friend, You Know The One. This friend usually has their shit together enough to maintain the illusion they know what they're doing in life. They also care about you deeply! But it's they type of care that will kick down your door at 9am on a Saturday, rip the cheesecake out of your hands, and then drag you out for a jog around the block, criticizing you and your french fry-smelling sweatpants the entire time.

Sorry, Shinjiro. ]

Yeah, you're extremely selfish. With an inflated ego. Think you're so smart and special, know what's best for everyone. That's why you make the decision for them, right? Maybe you should let others decide whether you're bringing good or not. Or you can keep showing how much you care about 'em and keep shoving words in their mouths.

[ Obviously the previous job about beheading people was this. Fucking murder scene up in here. ]

[petsthedog]

[There's perhaps an irony to describing Shinjiro's ego as inflated when there's possibly nobody who hates Shinjiro as much as Shinjiro hates himself, but Will's made his point, certainly. He huffs in vague indignation.]

...Tch. It ain't even like that. [A lot of it is, to be fair, which he doesn't entirely want to acknowledge or deal with right now]

S'just like.....if you knew you were movin' away from a place, for good, you wouldn't try to make new friends before you go, right?

[alethiological]

[ Normally, the thought train is as follows: Yes, huffs are good, indignation is very good; if a teenager hyped up on friendship drugs still gets smacked occasionally into brooding, that means the shots are mostly hitting the target. There'd be a rearranging of words and thoughts in the hopes of hitting the exact combination of button presses to get the point through.

But this whole narrative point is moot because that implies he's thinking about what he's saying. Oh well. ] Of course you would. Then you keep in contact via letters, phone calls, emails, text messages, or social media, depending on which time period you're from. Bad metaphor, Aragaki.

[ Ffs how old is this asshole, also wow way to be pedantic over nothi- ]

More like you've already moved. Worrying about your stuff and bills and finding a job and whatever else. Leaves you too stressed and tired to deal with anything past what's absolutely necessary. Trying to be social on top of it is... too much. ...But metaphors aren't reality. You don't exist in a vacuum, kid. Even if you don't want to bother everyone, they're already bothered by the fact you're blowin' off their feelings. Like how you felt when I did the same.

I'm not trying to sell you about how life is perfect and worth living. It's not. I'm not sayin' get over yourself either. Everyone has problems and hangups and they're all valid. All I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself. Even if all you're doing is letting your friends be idiots and worry about pointless things. Might make you less Tired.

[petsthedog]

Don't be nitpicky, asshole--

[But Will keeps talking, making his own metaphor, and he does that thing where you shove the nearest food item into your face because it serves as some place to direct your feelings. Of course, when you're already overflowing with friendship magic that's making you emotionally honest for the first time in years, or possibly ever, adding more to the mix accomplishes less of the "eat your feelings" objective and more of, you know, actually engaging with this conversation and talking about his feelings. RIP in pieces.]

I don't...it ain't that I wanna blow them off.

[He does, and he doesn't. He does it less than he used to, especially here at the Bureau, where he's more or less stuck in proximity with everyone and therefore subject to Constantly building up those social links with no real ability to ghost.

He sighs.]

They were all there when I bit it, y'know. My old team. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Shit, cause of some universal bullshit, Arisato's from after me, and apparently the whole damn school was part of the memorial service, even though I ain't showed up in years.

[That comment about appreciating that Will wouldn't throw him a funeral before? Entirely literal. But that's the thing. Caring about not hurting them doesn't fix how he feels about himself, about living. He promised Qrow he'd try, but trying involves the possibility of failure.]

...Sure, it ain't permanent for us here, but look how fucked up everyone is about the people who died, anyway. I don't...want that again.

cw: super-explicit death idealization, also way too many words

[alethiological]

[ Don't be nitpicky he says, to someone who has killed people over nitpicks - but Shinjiro doesn't know that, so it's mostly the narrative being sassy.

This time, his words earn absolute silence. This is not important. What is important is how this idiot kid got stuck on a ridiculous assumption. Downside, the answer is mostly classified. Lion or Maya could get it just fine, but not even a promise trumps Regulations. The stream-of-consciousness ranting Shinjiro was getting beforehand falls off. Mostly because internally all thoughts have gone to chipping away something that can actually be used to get the point across. State of afterlife? Bzzt, forbidden. History explanation on why death became traumatizing in the first place- bzzt. Nine hells, this isn't worth the effort trying to find a loophole.

But he needs to get Shinjiro off that thought process, in a way that can never be put into words. At least not in any way that would make sense. ]

...I shouldn't be answering this. [ A sigh. ] Let it be known this is not an attempt to alter human perception of how to handle death. As such, any attempt of further confirmation or acknowledgement from this point forward is forbidden.

[ Nothing after. Okay, good, that worked. Unfortunately, that also means having to answer as if it's professional. Win some lose some. ] In regards to your school, I believe you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how funerals generally function. Humans say it is in memory of the dead, however, they are acted out for the sake of the living. Sometimes it's out of genuine care for the person. Other times it's lip service. I'm sure Arisato could give better context, but I've seen how your kind function. Thirty silver says they didn't mention you by name at all, claiming it was out of respect when in reality they no longer remember it, and they spun your death into a sob story over the loss of an innocent life to gain sympathy from financial donors and the media.

[ Holy shit that is a level of Realist no one should ever have. But even through the monotone, it doesn't sound angry. Not disappointed either. Just... unsurprised. ]

Not the point. Humans believe that death is permanent. Thus, when someone you care about dies, the emotional response can be traumatizing. Even in situations such as here where you simply revive shortly after. The act of death alone carries too much weight. ...It's kind of you to not wish that misery on people, but get over it. You'll all die eventually. Whether it's by suicide or not, accident or not, however many myriad ways you come to be collected. All will become equalized. They will have to suffer your death someday, as well as everyone else's, as well as their own. And you will have to suffer causing that to them. The faster you accept that, the better. It'll be one less thing to guilt yourself over.

[ ...

Holy shit.

Shinji gets a few seconds to accept that horrible monotone explanation in silence before the shoving stops. If only because the vice grip is removed. ] And that's my word limit for today. Was never good at the whole 'guiding people to the right path' thing. Pick a new subject.

[petsthedog]

[That's a whole lot of words Shinjiro wasn't ready to hear, even if he probably needed to. It's a little like that one Hyperbole and a Half comic with the girl holding her dead fish and yelling why don't you understand that my fish are dead?!, except in this case Will isn't trying to get him to revive his dead fish but rather to maybe bury them in the yard rather than keeping them in his pockets and stinking of dead fish all the time.

Anyway, he doesn't really know how to process any of it, least of all that weird disclaimer at the beginning, and he kind of wants to argue about just giving up and accepting the idea of causing them pain because some part of him still feels like he can fix it, or at least mitigate it. Feeling sad about some guy you talked to a few times isn't the same thing as being sad about a close friend. He's not naive enough not to realize Aki was the one to suffer the most from his fate, despite all his best efforts to push him away.

But really, that's only half the problem. He can't let go of the guilt of forming connections not just because he struggles with the desire to live, and the fact that it would be painful for others if he died, but also because he doesn't feel he deserves them.

It's not a thought he's aware of rationally -- more an undertone that seeps into everything -- but whenever he spends time with people like Kaede and Maya and even Qrow, he feels a churning in the pit of his stomach, and a poisonous voice in his ear that tells him he shouldn't. He should pull away, he should leave, he should hold himself apart. He tells himself it's because he doesn't want to hurt them, and that's true, but there's always more to it than that, just underneath the skin: He doesn't have the right to build a life, after all. Especially not one on the bones of Amada and his mother.]

...Tch.

[It's all he manages, at first, but the request for a subject change is a relief, this time, because he didn't know what to say.

He doesn't know what else to talk about either, though.]

Why don't you pick a new topic, huh?? You know all this shit about me by now, and I still don't know shit about you. Hell, I figured you were some kind of "not human" ages back, but I don't even know what kind. Death god, maybe? Sounded kinda death god, from all that shit at the beginning there.